Friday, March 31, 2006

"Deodorant" is Definitely a Word We Own


I may be a day late on this topic, but following the same ideaology of replacing words like "French Fries" with "Freedom Fries" and "Garage" with "Car Hold" I have resolved to never again use the word "Fiance."
It's terrible. As an early Seinfeld episode joke, "Have you seen my fiance? Oh, where is my fiance? Where could my fiance have gone? That silly goose."
What a lame, fu-fu, french word. I think the fact that men have to be known as someone's "fiance" for an extended period of time increases the likelihood that they will want to postpone the inevitable engagement.
So, I refuse to use that word. When I was referring to a friend's fiance in conversation as his "girlfriend," I was quickly scolded by another woman who said, "Wait, it's not his girlfriend, it's his fiance!" So, I descibed how brokeback I feel the word is and I choose to refer to people in these situations, simple as, boyfriends or girlfriends. That was retorted with, "But it's a different level of girlfriend. That term doesn't disclose the essence of the relationship." The essence of the relationship.
OK. Well, from now on, anyone that is engaged will be referred to as a SuperMega-Girlfriend or boyfriend, respectively. That's so much better. It's like you're a superhero, instead of some smelly french guy with a crappy mustache.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Who's Less Evil?

Barry Bonds sucks. When I say "suck" I don't mean it in the way, like "Wow, remember when Scott Cooper made the all star team? Twice?!?! He SUCKED!" I mean more like, "Hey A-Rod, you SUCK! AND YOU HAVE PURPLE LIPS!"
So, I have no qualms with rooting against Barry Bonds to break the all time home run record. I've heard all I need to hear about his involvement with steroids to come to my decision. I don't care if every pitcher he faced was on steroids, I don't want him to break that record. But, for arguments sake, let's say he breaks it this year, then retires with, say, 760 home runs. The general public would be looking for someone (anyone?) clean (from steroids... not necessarily VD) to break Bonds' record.
Who's the best bet to do that? I'd put my money on Alex "Purple Lips" Rodriguez. He's only 30 years old, he's already hit 429 homeruns. The last five years he's averaged 48 homers a year. He'll probably be in his prime for about five more years. Give him 28 home runs over the next five years and that's another 240. Say he plays 'til he's 40 and average 30 homeruns from 36 through the end of his career. If that were to happen A-Rod could end his career with more than 800 home runs. And if his head hits a growth spurt like Bonds', we could be talking 1,000.
But the question is, could Red Sox fans get behind a hated Yankee to break such a sacred record?
I say yes. The record is too sacred to let a cheater like Bonds own. I think most Sox fans would agree; basically because we know that all of Mr. March's 800ish home runs will come in games that don't matter.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Hey Indy, Don't Get Too Excited, Manning is Still Your Quarterback


I championed the idea of Adam Vinatieri joining the Hall of Fame once he retired. Not anymore. Apparently he signed with the Indianapolis Colts. I hate no team, like I hate the Colts. I would prefer the Yankees win the world series rather than see the Colts win the Super Bowl (This is far worse than Damon signing with the Yankees). I will root against Vinatieri every time he kicks a ball. Whether it's a last second field goal in the AFC championship against Patriots or it's the opening kick in week 3 against Arizona.

That said, I can't believe the Patriots couldn't get this deal done. They passed on Givens and McGinnest. Fine, those guys will command more money than the conservative Pats can afford. There was no way to get all three of these guys signed. But, they have $13 million in cap room left. Where exactly do they plan on spending that money in the upcoming year? There aren't any notable free agents left. So, they couldn't afford $3 million to one of the most important players in their franchises history?
If Seymour and Branch don't get resigned I might have to stake out some Wesleyan womens lacrosse games to have a chat with Bill. (Last I heard from my source, Bill's daughter was on the team and he rarely misses a game)

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

So Long and Thanks for all the Balls


Glad I didn't buy that David Givens jersey. For most of the last three seasons Givens was my favorite player on the Patriots. That's saying something, given the fact that he's a Notre Dame alumni. Although, I think I took some twisted satisfaction in the fact that Irish had such talented players and didn't know how to use them; or at least make them more appealing to the NFL than a 7th round pick. And it was the fact that a 7th round pick could make such a difference on the best NFL team of the decade that made Givens so endearing. When he made the game winning touchdown catch against Denver at Mile High, in the imfamous "Safety" game, you knew that he wasn't your typical 7th rounder clinging onto his spot. That wasn't a catch that the clingers make.
But Givens is a number two on the Patriots. Deion Branch is the number one. And you can't pay your second receiver $25 million when you're going to have to resign your primary reciever the next year. Next year, Belicheck can tell Branch that the Titans gave Givens "#1 money," instead of having Branch's agent compare Givens' $25 mill as a number two, to what he feels a number one deserves.
So, it was fun. But it is what it is and in this league you can't always keep the players that you like. Especially, when you're a fan of the most efficient franchise in modern sports.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Circulo de Combate


All (real) names have been changed... to protect me.

For those who don't know what I do, I work with people who are afflicted with Chronic Schizophrenia. Since the disease affects roughly 1% of the population there are a lot of misconceptions. Usually what I hear from people is that they think schizophrenics have multiple personalities. But people with multiple personalities have their own fun disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder(DID).
I differentiate between the two because for one of my clients is knocking down the wall between the two definitions. I'm pretty sure he's aiming for a dual-diagnoses.
My client, we'll call him Don Quione, is one of the nicest, sweetest 52 year old men you'd ever meet. As a matter of fact, he's nice to a fault. He'll give away his money, his cigarettes and any other form of currency they have in this house. Don Quione is a pushover, avoids confrontation by giving in.
Antonio Fonseca Del Rio, on the other hand, is one mean bastard. Antonio will call you a liar to your face and your superior, tell you that you do/know nothing, refuses to obey rules, innappropriately touches females and has even been known to take a swing at people. Antonio Fonseca Del Rio is to Tyler Durden as Don Quione is to Fight Club's Narrator (Edward Norton). Could Quincy be the birth place of the real life Tyler Durden? Let's hope so. Cuz I'll have front row seats to one crazy show. And let me tell you, when Antonio's around it's a rough day. Unfortunately, "Operacion Mayhem" has yet take full affect within the residence.
When it does take place, I hope to hear Antonio tell Don Quione, "All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not."
Now, let me tell you, I'm pretty sure neither Don Quione or Antonio are fucking but Antonio is taking a few liberties with females he shouldn't be, but for all I know that Tyler Durden quote is probably spot on in the mind of Don Quione and Antonio Fonseca Del Rio.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

I'm Afraid of Racoons


At about 2:30 A.M. a few months back, I walk up the stairs to my back porch and I'm staring eye to eye with a 30 pound Racoon. This thing was a MONSTER! I swear to god. These things freak me out. Oddly enough, it didn't eat me. It didn't even try. It ran up my stairs and hid, trapped on the porch. Infront of my door. I wasn't going up there. Hell no! The bad news was that our front door was broken at the time and we couldn't get in from outside; it could only be opened from the inside. My roommate was home, but had to be up in two and half hours for work. So, what do I do? I call and wake my roommate's ass up to let me in.
Racoons are scary.
Slightly less frightening than this, but frightening nonetheless.

It's Not Even 10:30 Yet


Things that have made me angry so far today:
- People that defend Manny for being a crappy teammate and selfish person.
- Goddamned SUV's that refuse to hit 25 mph because the road is too bumpy. You're in an SUV! I'm late for work, dammit!
- People that are surprised that Manny is acting like this. So, you're thinking, "Lance, what's the correct response?" INDIFFERENCE, indifference is the correct answer. Don't defend him! Why shouldn't Ortiz or Varitek take this kind of stance? They're all as important to the team as Manny, so why shouldn't they get preferential treatment?
But c'mon, how can this make you angry? Was it not expected? Manny asked to be traded. He wasn't traded. Like an infant being toilet trained, he's now making his play to regain power (not as good as the infants smearing feces on the wall... at least manny goes IN the wall).
Just shrug your shoulders, sigh and hope that he hits 50 home runs, drives in 160 runs, hits .360 and robs Johnny Damon of a home run over the green monster.
- This didn't really piss me off, but I think it's going to be my new phrase. "You have an agenda." Whenever anyone annoys me, I'm going to accuse them of having an agenda.
- Why does my client think it's appropriate to go to the pizza joint at 9:30 in the morning? He asks me where it is. I tell him it's the road two blocks from here and he has to just look for the address number, or the sign. He proceeds walk in the incorrect direction, comes back says he couldn't find it and hands me the menu. The friggen' joint doesn't open for another hour. Who eats pizza at 9:30 A.M.? Well, if the voices told me to, I suppose I would too.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Iraqi Ovaries Miraculously Drop into Testes

First of all, the Prizblog's Lost/post-9-11 metaphor was taken down a peg last night. It was almost as predictable as the Panthers losing the NFC championship after Simmons made them his pick. There were/are similarities with Locke being the dalai-esque pacifist, and Jack developing his own nuclear arms program in the hatch. But if Jack is the Dick Cheney of Lost, don't you think he'd have let Sayid beat the balloon rider? I mean let's face it, don't we know why Dick Cheney shot Whittington? Whittington knows where Walt is. And if Locke is truly the dirty hippy Prizblog asserts he is, how could he be so easily pursuaded by Sayid to be an accomplice in this torture? (Possibly to get back at Jack for not involving him in the "army?" Partisan politics)
Whatever the answer is, it was good to see Sayid scaring the bejesus out of... well, me. I was tired of his sissy boy, longing for that Gold Card chaser. If you're going to long, make it enjoyable to watch. As the emperor said to Luke, "use your hate." Sayid hate fisted balloon boys face real nice like.

While that was heartwarming how dare they tease us with those promo's showing the hatch clock on all zero's. Now, all zero's means time is up (apparently it actually means you're into hyroglyphics time). If this was the NBA the refs would go to the replay and see that the scoreboard was red before Locke's fingers left the keyboard and disallow his entry. Know when this clock situation is going to be solved? Episode one, season three. Approximately, September 20th. Goddamned cliff hangers.

Quick aside: I find myself looking forward to Lost more than any other show during the week, but when it comes down to it, The Shield is by far a more enjoyable watch.