Friday, December 23, 2005

Ignorance: Apparently Not So Blissful Afterall

Apparently this was an editorial in a Tampa paper. It was forwarded me. The editorial is in red, with the extended LaRocca version added in black.

IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT. (Beautifully articulated. Let's never adapt. It's worked out well for Sharks. Sharks haven't evolved since the Jurassic Period. We can be like the shark. Is it just me, or does Canada look like a 13 year old girl on a surfboard?) I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majorityof Americans. However...... the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct! " crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to America. Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. (Who were also treated like shit when they got to America) However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. (So wait, I was born here. I'm an American. But I don't know what it means to be an American? I need to have someone tell me? Is this how my family felt when the Germany was telling the Pol's they didn't know how to run their country back in the 40's?) This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Americans......we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom. (OK. So, we're diluting our "national identity?" I suppose that begs the question, "what is our national identity?" I always assumed America was the land of the free. It's true, America is a wonderful place and I'm proud that people like my grandfather fought to keep it that way. But isn't part of that freedom the ability to pursue your the life of your choice, including religion? (It is, in case you weren't sure) When you have groups of people who each practice religions of their choice, doesn't that promote multiculturalism? Doesn't multiculturalism promote the national identity of America? Or maybe we can all just be christian. I'm sure that'll solve all the problems)

We speakENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language! (Yeah, when I had to slowly explain my order to the 70 year old latino woman behind the counter at Dunkin Donuts and she still put cream in my coffee instead of milk I almost lost it. I mean this lady is working at Dunkin Donuts. I'm sure she's living the the type of lifestyle where she'd be able to take some english classes. Plus, how hard can it be to pick up english in your 70's?)

"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, rightwing, political slogan.. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women.......on Christian principles.............founded this nation..... and this is clearly documented. (uhh... alright. How does that not make "In God We Trust" a "Christian slogan?" The original U.S. motto was "E Pluribus Unum", which means "one from many," referring to creating one federal government from multiple state governments. It stands up through the history of this country as well. Since the boom of the industrial revolution, and the influx of immigrants there have always been many cultures in the United States. Despite that we managed to build the greatest country in the world.)It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home.........because God is part of our culture. (I'm being told how to be American again. God is part of my culture? I'll tell you what aside from the occasional grace at holiday dinners, my culture has little to do with god.)
If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet.We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from.(Who is "we"?)This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. (This is similar to what the native americans said when they sold Manhatten for a twinkie) Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so! But once you are done complaining....... whining...... and griping.......about our flag.......our pledge...... our national motto........or ourway of life....I highly encourage you to take advantage of one other Great American Freedom....... (The author seems a little defensive of our flag. Did I miss something? Are Cuban refugee's getting to shore, hand someone a drawing and say, "You know, I'll be happy here, but I think the flag should look a little more like this,"? Personally, I think it's a bit of Rabble Rousing; saying things that the person doesn't particularly believe, but forces the reader to get that "I just read it in the paper, so it must be true" type of feeling and become more irate. Either that, or it's a referance to flag burning. If that's the case, it's a poor job presenting that idea.)

(Ohhhhh know you didn't!)

-I don't know why, but this editorial begs me to add this website:

-The forward of the editorial was prefaced with this:
Will we still be the Country of choice and still be America if we continue to make the changes forced on us by the people from other countries that came to live in America because it is the Country of Choice??????
Think about it!
All we have to say is, when will they do something about MY RIGHTS?I celebrate Christmas...........but because it isn't celebrated by everyone..............we can no longer say Merry Christmas. Now it has tobe Season's Greetings.
We can't say "Merry Christmas?" Why wasn't I informed of this? I just said it five minutes ago? Am i going to be reported to the newspeak police?
Look, I spent two hours today listening to a talk show host vent about the fact that people keep saying to him, "Happy Holidays." He said, "Look! Look! What 'HOLIDAY' is this weekend? What 'HOLIDAY' is sunday?"
He was referring to christmas.
Hannuka begins sunday too.
People say "Happy Holidays" because they don't know what you celebrate. There's a stage of development where small children, under the age of 5, believe that everyone feels and knows what they know. Doesn't this seem similar. You're going to get upset because I don't know you celebrate, and I don't want to offend someone else? You can't respect that?
Not only that, but isn't the sentiment behind "happy holidays" the same as "merry christmas?" "Happy," is synomous with "merry," correct? And you're holiday of choice is christmas. Therefore, "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays" mean the same thing.
Basically, people are angry that they're beling told to enjoy their christmas, because someone doesn't want to offend someone that celebrates a different holiday.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Why Doesn't Lance LaRocca Have a Girlfriend?

Have you heard? The Jay Cutler for Heisman campaign has just begun.
You might have a couple of questions, like, "Wait, didn't Reggie Bush just win the Heisman?" and, "Who the fuck is Jay Cutler?"
Yes, Reggie Bush just destroyed the competition in the 2005 heisman race... in the "real world."
Somewhere in my playstation it is still August, 2005, and Jay Cutler, the heady senior quaterback of Vanderbilt University, with tremendous upside potential, is preparing to dominate the SEC.
How, can Cutler, who in 2004 quaterbacked a Vandy team that finished 2-9, possibly win the Heisman Trophy? It's simple, really, gone is coach Bobby Johnson, and in steps coach LaRocca, who's spread offense puts the season in the hands of Cutler. Heisman Trophy, say hello to you Jay Cutler.
Expect updates.
And that, ladies and gentleman, is why Lance LaRocca has no girlfriend.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Optimus Prime Traded for Two Bud Lights and a Prospect To be Named Later

Ever wonder what happens when you type "beer" into Craigslist?
Well what the hell is the matter with you? Those of us that aren't calling for the prohibition may or may not have come across this:
Seems like a very worthwhile cause, and a damned good trade. Almost as good a trade as Tejada for Ramirez.
I've intrigued myself... Tejada is free beer and bowling. Manny is the $30 you'd spend on a toy for a kid. Both have great value to someone like me, but while $30 seems more productive in the here and now, the free beer and bowling will easily surpass that $30 in goods and services costs. This equates to Tejada being one of the best fielding players at the most important defensive position on the field, whereas Manny is average at best in the leftfield.
Plus you have to account intanglibles. If Tejada comes here, you'll think back to the yearly implosion caused because of Manny's quirky personality and lack of effort and remember that you have Tejada on your team who gives 100% 162 games a year. Similar to the warm, fuzzy feeling you'll get when you fork over $30 so some poor kid can get a decent holiday gift; you're guarenteed to feel like a regular philanthropist.
So, what do you say Rockefeller?
Willing to trade $30 for a good cause, free bowling and beers?
And this has to be a great place to meet women (and men... if that's your bag), right?

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Making Stereotypes

We know all the stereotypes. Stereotypes perpetuate themselves every day. For example: asians are bad drivers. Now, when I'm driving and I get cut off by an asian guy, that very stereotype may pop in my head. But what about all the times an asian driver doesn't cut me off. I never notice that, so therefore the stereotype never changes. And when I get cut off by some redneck in his "Hemi" I never think to myself, "Why can't us damned caucasians learn to drive?"
The point of all this is to say that I don't agree with stereotypes. They're not at all helpful in my day to day life.
But for the sake of discussion, lets buy into one:
Black men have large penis'
Okay, so black men have larger genitals than everyone else. And I have recently been informed that Vagina's come in different sizes. Not just the standard proportionate size, but a woman that is 5'10'' may have a smaller vagina than a woman that is 5'6''.
So, here are my questions:
If the black male's genital's are larger than the average non-black male's, does that mean black women have larger vaginas than the average non-black woman?
And if that's true, does that mean black women don't like sleeping with non-black men (because let's face it, size does matter) unless they're up to par?

Airing of Grievances

Personally, I love the holidays. The lights, the music, the friends, the family, the airing of grievances. They all really help shorten the winter. I mean, at least there are parts of this bitter stretch of months that is enjoyable.
But like everyone else I have my complaints about the season. And since I bitch better than praise here it goes. Part I; of what is surely more to come:
File under "Commercialism":
Kay Jewelers "every kiss begins with Kay"
You see what they did there? They're right. Everytime you write the word "kiss" it always starts with "K." Unless you write "iss" and finish by writing "K," but that doesn't really matter because when people read it they'll read the "K" first. Then, they have the whole, light hearted, double entendre going on there. Every kiss begins with Kay = If I want my wife/girlfriend/cousin to put out I have to buy her a piece of jewelry. Nice work guys!
Belden Jewelers "go straight to the heart"
I have no problem with Belden's slogan. But has anyone heard the commercial where the narrator says, "Sometimes you feel so much for someone you can't quite get the words right, but with a holiday gift from Belden's Jewelers no words are necessary." Hear that guys? How pumped are you? Apparently women don't care that their men are emotionally incapable of sharing their thoughts or emotions. I know I know, you're sitting there thinking, "Wait! I 'feel' a lot for my wife/girlfriend/cousin. And i don't exactly have the words to tell her about that Vegas coke binge with the three hookers. If I buy her some Belden's will she know how much i love her?"
And if that doesn't work, she'll know how much you love her when you're sharing a Valtrex prescription.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Polish Boy Punished For Having...

I hate sexism. Hate it! It's makes me sick. Makes me want to vomit. I hate it so much I even hate the word. "Sexism." It's my second least favorite word to end in "ism." Right behind "Jism." I even hate the definition that spewed up. Here it is:
Sexism: Discrimination based on gender, especially discrimination against women.
What in the hell is that? Is discrimination based on gender even more discriminatory because it's against a women? Doesn't that in itself sound sexist?
I mean, hypothetically speaking, let's say I interview for a job. The interview goes really well. I mean really well, we're even talking salary, schedule and how much notice I'd have to give my current job. Then a week and a half later I get a call from the woman I interviewed with. She regrets to inform me that I did not get the job. She even gets a little honest too honest on the phone, saying, "You know, we really like you and somewhere down the road we'd like to have you work for us, but right now we feel a female best fits the position. I mean, technically, I'm not even supposed to say anything, but you know how it is." Then she proceeds to encourage me to apply for a crappier job.
So this is less sexist because I'm a guy? I'm confused. Because this just happened to me. And the worst part was the next day when the HR woman called to double my fun. But she said, "Sorry LaRocca, but we found someone that fit the position just a little bit better."
Fit the position better? What position are we talking about? Missionary? Because I have no idea why my penis makes me a bad fit for the position? I mean I know they're less aerodynamic when we're running the naked marathon, but throw me a fricken bone here.