Saturday, January 28, 2006

Dear Santa...


You know why it sucks to have you're birthday in November? Because, when it's January you have to wait eleven goddamned months to get your presents. Well, I know what I want, and it's going to be a long 10 months. I hope Santa is paying attention too, there's always a chance I may not get it for my birthday. Now, I'm more of a dog guy, but this is what I really want. How cool is this?

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

You Are Not a Unique Snowflake; Not Even You, Horse Lover

Are you ever surprised by the things you find on the internet? I mean, think about that joke from The 40 Year Old Virgin. The one where Andy's co-worker just got back from Tiajuana and he was talking about his trip. He told Andy how he bought tickets to see a horse back door a woman. When I saw that, my first inclination was to neither laugh nor act in disgust. My gut reaction was, "This joke is ten years too late." My freshman year of college (1998) I got two forwards of animal/classy broad sex clips. The internet is a crazy, crazy place.
What brought me to this thought? Well, last week two of my favorite shows returned; The Shield and 24. After watching them on consecutive nights, I couldn't help but wonder, who is more badass, Jack Bauer or Vic Mackey? Today, I did a little (very little) investigating. I googled "who would win in a fight, Jack Bauer or Vic Mackey?" First site on the list is a blog by a guy in San Francisco who had the same thoughts, and he broke it down Dr. Jack/BSG style. Apparently Tlyer Durden is right, we are not unique snow flakes.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Things Women Don't Know About Men


If we pace back and forth, or walk in circles before we enter a door; this isn't some instinctual thing, like a dog trying to sleep in tall grass. We probably just farted and are trying to lose the scent before we enter a room or car or where ever we're going.

Friday, January 20, 2006

The Problem With Desert Islands? There Aren't Any Closets.


Much of the recent discussion on the Prizblog has been about Jack, and why he chose to bring his army question to Ana Lucia, rather than Sayid. Prizblogger and his respondents believe Jack, having for all intents and purposes been dumped by crazy Kate asked Ana Lucia because he's in desparate need of island love. Wrong! Want to know why? Jack's gay.
Saved By the Bell's Zach Morris (You may know him as Detective John Clarke Jr. on Television's NYPD: Blue) once introduced the theory of high school time. Essentially, high school time means ten minutes can seem like ten hours. I believe in high school time. I also believe in desert island time. Desert island time especially affects relationships like Jack and Kate's. Say you've been dating someone for a week. How much time have you spent witht his person on two dates and, say, three phone conversations? About 8 hours? On a goddamned desert island you're probably spending half your day with someone you like. So a week of that and you've spent 84 hours with this person. Desert island time is ten and a half times faster than earth days.
How long were they on this island before crazy Kate got with Sawyer? 45 (earth) days? Something like that? In desert island time that's like a year and a half. Jack had 45ish days to see just how freckly Freckles really is. Fourty-five days! Now, in earth days I'd be blown away if Jack wasn't intimately involved. But in desert island time I'm convinced he's gay.
Keep in mind, that this is following a traumatic event. Humans are like jack rabbits after this type of thing.
Jack's gay, and that is that.
Stop leading on the ladies Jack!
Let Locke get his.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

South American Idol


No, "South American Idol" is not Lance LaRocca's plan to find/get with the next Shakira; rather it is the reigning champion at Murphy's Twin Shamrock Pub's weekly team trivia. Let me tell you something, we mounted a valiant comeback. Down five points heading into the last question, we made up the five points while the team in the lead LOST points. Mind you, the team that lost point had 8 members, our team had 5.
Well, we had 5 members if you count Lance LaRocca as a full member. The only answers I knew were "Balitmore Ravens" and "Billy Blanks".
Not my best week.
But hey, isn't that what a team is for?
(Maybe Lance LaRocca should start a South American Idol. I mean, there can't possibly be another Ricky Martin, can there?)

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Rubbish?


C'mon, is there a better way to lose a game? It wasn't heartbreaking (remember, heartbreaking is game 7 of the 2003 ALCS). You have all the excuses you need (I've done my excuse math and we win 13-10 if the breaks go our way (lame pass interference call led to one touchdown which lead to the kickoff fumble which lead to the field goal (ten points right there). Then the AMAZING play by Watson to force the fumble doens't go our way (another seven points))). You can never be bitter with are the players that let you down(Other than Hobbs', but that's negated by my previous point). If you're a Patriots fan that can blame Brady, Brown or Vinatieri for their role in the loss you've had one to many scorpion bowls at the Hong Kong.
Sure, it SUCKS! But really, you know this team is going to be crazy next year. A dynasty is not over after a .500 playoff year.
Think about it. Think about the end of this year. Who really came into their own? Watson, Hobbs, Hawkins, Kaczur, Colvin. Give me a healthy running game, some young linebackers and cornerbacks and we're in it to win it next year. This isn't the old, "wait 'til next year" spiel from the Red Sox (circa 1919-2003), you know they'll be back. Do you doubt Belicheck? Do you doubt Brady? McGinnest? Seymour? Branch? Bruschi? Vrabel?
It sucks. I'm not looking forward to the rest of the playoff with the Patriots absent.
(Fuck Scot Zolack. Sorry, he just compared Tom Brady to Drew Bledsoe... sorry Drew)

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Great Moments in Misunderstood Lyrics


When I was little there was some show on TV that discussed the misunderstood lyrics from the 60's. Well, that problem continues today. I bought this album by a british hip hop artist named M.I.A. My coworker and I were listening to it in our office last night and a particular line caught my attention. So, I asked, "What did she just say?"
My coworker confirmed what I thought I had heard. This is what we both tought we heard:
"Excuse me little Hombre
take my number and call me
I can go sucky,
So you can cummin' on me."

Now, this was number two on Spin magazines top fourty albums of the year, so i wasn't expecting Lil' Kim lyrics. Turns out they go a little like this:

"Excuse me little Hombre
take my number and call me
I can get squeaky
So you can come and oil me."

I suppose that's better. Took it down a notch from an 'X' to an 'R' rating.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Gold Medal in Douche-Baggery


World champion skier, Bode Miller(not pictured left), was recently on 60 Minutes bragging about his ability to ski wasted. What really struck me about his interview was how he compared drinking and skiing to drinking and driving. He seemed almost upset that drinking and driving was illegal. Is Skiing Under the Influence a subsitute to this guys true passion in life? Was he discarded in his efforts to get into NASCAR? Can someone help Bode Miller start a D-NASCAR ("D" is for "Drunken")?
And for those of you that like stories, here's a Bode Miller classic:
Way back when, I had a few buddies who went to college at Plymouth State, way up in Plymouth, New Hampshire. That's just a mere 15 minute drive (maybe 10 minutes, depending on how much Sir Bodenator drank that day) from where Bode grew up. On a casual evening, at a low key college bar, the olympic hero walked in. Surprising to everyone he was a complete dick. He had his hands over too many women and eventually the wrong girl and one of my friends knocked him in the face. Bode brough his complaint up with the bar staff, but instead of my friend getting kicked out, he was kicked out. When you get punched in the face and YOU'RE one getting kicked out of the bar, it's time to re-evaluate your situation. You may think to yourself, "hmmm... maybe I'm the dick?!?" Apparently not. That was about three years ago.
Anyhow, there's talk of the U.S. ski team not allowing him to race in the Olympics. Personally, I want him there with his own reality show. I think it'd be hilarious to see him flush his stash of IOC supplied condoms down the toilet and tell his buddies that he's all out and needs to stop at Cumby's to pick more up.

Monday, January 09, 2006

NOW or Later: Joe-PA Isn't Going To Be Able to See Who He's Talking to and Invite Her In


Before the Orange Bowl last week, Florida State lineback, A.J. Nicholson was charged with the sexual assault of a 19 year old woman. Nicholson was suspended from the team and sent packing. When asked the incident this is what Joe Paterno, 80-something head coach of the Penn State Nitanny Lions football team:
"There's some tough - there's so many people gravitating to these kids. He may not have even known what he was getting into, Nicholson. They knock on the door; somebody may knock on the door; a cute girl knocks on the door. What do you do? Geez. I hope - thank God they don't knock on my door because I'd refer them to a couple of other rooms."
Completely innappropriate. When I heard it, I figured it was just a matter of hours until someone released a press release condemning what he said. Time went by and no one said a thing.
FINALLY, yesterday, six days later, the president of the National Organization for Women, Joanne Tosti-Vasey, said she was, "appalled," and wants an apology and Paterno's resignation.
Fine. That's probably what NOW should ask for even though they know they'll be lucky to simply get an apology.
But here's the thing. Why, in this age of instant media, did they wait SIX days to make any type of press release? NOW said they send an e-mail to Paterno and school president last week, expressing their concerns, as well as their requests.
An email? Really? They could have had a press release in the national media six minutes after the comment, let alone six days. Don't they understand the opportunity they missed? This could have been a major story in one of the major bowls. AND they are right! It's not as if they would just be looking to get into the headlines. They would actually be doing what is in the best interest of women. But instead, they sent an email.
Tosti-Vasey sent the press release from Pennsylvania, any chance she's a Nitanny Lions fan and didn't want to hurt their chances?

Does it Have to Quack Like a Duck to be a Duck?


I have was having an incredibly intellectual conversation with a friend. I'm interested in seeing what other people think.
Hypothetically, say you are dating someone. Yet for some reason you feel the need to send nude pictures of yourself to, say, an ex-partner. Is that cheating?
I say yes. The more I think of it, the more obvious it seems in my head. My friend, however, believes that cheating has to fit into the concrete parameters of physcal contact.
What's worse? Nipple/Boner/Panty pictures or kissing/groping/tappin'?