LaRocca and Rolla

"Deodorant" is Definitely a Word We Own

2006-03-31T07:46:00.000-08:00

I may be a day late on this topic, but following the same ideaology of replacing words like "French Fries" with "Freedom Fries" and "Garage" with "Car Hold" I have resolved to never again use the word "Fiance."
It's terrible. As an early Seinfeld episode joke, "Have you seen my fiance? Oh, where is my fiance? Where could my fiance have gone? That silly goose."
What a lame, fu-fu, french word. I think the fact that men have to be known as someone's "fiance" for an extended period of time increases the likelihood that they will want to postpone the inevitable engagement.
So, I refuse to use that word. When I was referring to a friend's fiance in conversation as his "girlfriend," I was quickly scolded by another woman who said, "Wait, it's not his girlfriend, it's his fiance!" So, I descibed how brokeback I feel the word is and I choose to refer to people in these situations, simple as, boyfriends or girlfriends. That was retorted with, "But it's a different level of girlfriend. That term doesn't disclose the essence of the relationship." The essence of the relationship.
OK. Well, from now on, anyone that is engaged will be referred to as a SuperMega-Girlfriend or boyfriend, respectively. That's so much better. It's like you're a superhero, instead of some smelly french guy with a crappy mustache.

Who's Less Evil?

2006-03-30T13:33:00.000-08:00

Barry Bonds sucks. When I say "suck" I don't mean it in the way, like "Wow, remember when Scott Cooper made the all star team? Twice?!?! He SUCKED!" I mean more like, "Hey A-Rod, you SUCK! AND YOU HAVE PURPLE LIPS!"
So, I have no qualms with rooting against Barry Bonds to break the all time home run record. I've heard all I need to hear about his involvement with steroids to come to my decision. I don't care if every pitcher he faced was on steroids, I don't want him to break that record. But, for arguments sake, let's say he breaks it this year, then retires with, say, 760 home runs. The general public would be looking for someone (anyone?) clean (from steroids... not necessarily VD) to break Bonds' record.
Who's the best bet to do that? I'd put my money on Alex "Purple Lips" Rodriguez. He's only 30 years old, he's already hit 429 homeruns. The last five years he's averaged 48 homers a year. He'll probably be in his prime for about five more years. Give him 28 home runs over the next five years and that's another 240. Say he plays 'til he's 40 and average 30 homeruns from 36 through the end of his career. If that were to happen A-Rod could end his career with more than 800 home runs. And if his head hits a growth spurt like Bonds', we could be talking 1,000.
But the question is, could Red Sox fans get behind a hated Yankee to break such a sacred record?
I say yes. The record is too sacred to let a cheater like Bonds own. I think most Sox fans would agree; basically because we know that all of Mr. March's 800ish home runs will come in games that don't matter.

Hey Indy, Don't Get Too Excited, Manning is Still Your Quarterback

2006-03-21T15:34:00.000-08:00

I championed the idea of Adam Vinatieri joining the Hall of Fame once he retired. Not anymore. Apparently he signed with the Indianapolis Colts. I hate no team, like I hate the Colts. I would prefer the Yankees win the world series rather than see the Colts win the Super Bowl (This is far worse than Damon signing with the Yankees). I will root against Vinatieri every time he kicks a ball. Whether it's a last second field goal in the AFC championship against Patriots or it's the opening kick in week 3 against Arizona.

That said, I can't believe the Patriots couldn't get this deal done. They passed on Givens and McGinnest. Fine, those guys will command more money than the conservative Pats can afford. There was no way to get all three of these guys signed. But, they have $13 million in cap room left. Where exactly do they plan on spending that money in the upcoming year? There aren't any notable free agents left. So, they couldn't afford $3 million to one of the most important players in their franchises history?
If Seymour and Branch don't get resigned I might have to stake out some Wesleyan womens lacrosse games to have a chat with Bill. (Last I heard from my source, Bill's daughter was on the team and he rarely misses a game)

So Long and Thanks for all the Balls

2006-03-14T10:05:00.000-08:00

Glad I didn't buy that David Givens jersey. For most of the last three seasons Givens was my favorite player on the Patriots. That's saying something, given the fact that he's a Notre Dame alumni. Although, I think I took some twisted satisfaction in the fact that Irish had such talented players and didn't know how to use them; or at least make them more appealing to the NFL than a 7th round pick. And it was the fact that a 7th round pick could make such a difference on the best NFL team of the decade that made Givens so endearing. When he made the game winning touchdown catch against Denver at Mile High, in the imfamous "Safety" game, you knew that he wasn't your typical 7th rounder clinging onto his spot. That wasn't a catch that the clingers make.
But Givens is a number two on the Patriots. Deion Branch is the number one. And you can't pay your second receiver $25 million when you're going to have to resign your primary reciever the next year. Next year, Belicheck can tell Branch that the Titans gave Givens "#1 money," instead of having Branch's agent compare Givens' $25 mill as a number two, to what he feels a number one deserves.
So, it was fun. But it is what it is and in this league you can't always keep the players that you like. Especially, when you're a fan of the most efficient franchise in modern sports.

Circulo de Combate

2006-03-07T13:07:00.000-08:00

All (real) names have been changed... to protect me.

For those who don't know what I do, I work with people who are afflicted with Chronic Schizophrenia. Since the disease affects roughly 1% of the population there are a lot of misconceptions. Usually what I hear from people is that they think schizophrenics have multiple personalities. But people with multiple personalities have their own fun disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder(DID).
I differentiate between the two because for one of my clients is knocking down the wall between the two definitions. I'm pretty sure he's aiming for a dual-diagnoses.
My client, we'll call him Don Quione, is one of the nicest, sweetest 52 year old men you'd ever meet. As a matter of fact, he's nice to a fault. He'll give away his money, his cigarettes and any other form of currency they have in this house. Don Quione is a pushover, avoids confrontation by giving in.
Antonio Fonseca Del Rio, on the other hand, is one mean bastard. Antonio will call you a liar to your face and your superior, tell you that you do/know nothing, refuses to obey rules, innappropriately touches females and has even been known to take a swing at people. Antonio Fonseca Del Rio is to Tyler Durden as Don Quione is to Fight Club's Narrator (Edward Norton). Could Quincy be the birth place of the real life Tyler Durden? Let's hope so. Cuz I'll have front row seats to one crazy show. And let me tell you, when Antonio's around it's a rough day. Unfortunately, "Operacion Mayhem" has yet take full affect within the residence.
When it does take place, I hope to hear Antonio tell Don Quione, "All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not."
Now, let me tell you, I'm pretty sure neither Don Quione or Antonio are fucking but Antonio is taking a few liberties with females he shouldn't be, but for all I know that Tyler Durden quote is probably spot on in the mind of Don Quione and Antonio Fonseca Del Rio.

I'm Afraid of Racoons

2006-02-22T07:30:00.000-08:00

At about 2:30 A.M. a few months back, I walk up the stairs to my back porch and I'm staring eye to eye with a 30 pound Racoon. This thing was a MONSTER! I swear to god. These things freak me out. Oddly enough, it didn't eat me. It didn't even try. It ran up my stairs and hid, trapped on the porch. Infront of my door. I wasn't going up there. Hell no! The bad news was that our front door was broken at the time and we couldn't get in from outside; it could only be opened from the inside. My roommate was home, but had to be up in two and half hours for work. So, what do I do? I call and wake my roommate's ass up to let me in.
Racoons are scary.
Slightly less frightening than this, but frightening nonetheless.

It's Not Even 10:30 Yet

2006-02-22T06:47:00.000-08:00

Things that have made me angry so far today:
- People that defend Manny for being a crappy teammate and selfish person.
- Goddamned SUV's that refuse to hit 25 mph because the road is too bumpy. You're in an SUV! I'm late for work, dammit!
- People that are surprised that Manny is acting like this. So, you're thinking, "Lance, what's the correct response?" INDIFFERENCE, indifference is the correct answer. Don't defend him! Why shouldn't Ortiz or Varitek take this kind of stance? They're all as important to the team as Manny, so why shouldn't they get preferential treatment?
But c'mon, how can this make you angry? Was it not expected? Manny asked to be traded. He wasn't traded. Like an infant being toilet trained, he's now making his play to regain power (not as good as the infants smearing feces on the wall... at least manny goes IN the wall).
Just shrug your shoulders, sigh and hope that he hits 50 home runs, drives in 160 runs, hits .360 and robs Johnny Damon of a home run over the green monster.
- This didn't really piss me off, but I think it's going to be my new phrase. "You have an agenda." Whenever anyone annoys me, I'm going to accuse them of having an agenda.
- Why does my client think it's appropriate to go to the pizza joint at 9:30 in the morning? He asks me where it is. I tell him it's the road two blocks from here and he has to just look for the address number, or the sign. He proceeds walk in the incorrect direction, comes back says he couldn't find it and hands me the menu. The friggen' joint doesn't open for another hour. Who eats pizza at 9:30 A.M.? Well, if the voices told me to, I suppose I would too.

Iraqi Ovaries Miraculously Drop into Testes

2006-02-16T04:36:00.000-08:00

First of all, the Prizblog's Lost/post-9-11 metaphor was taken down a peg last night. It was almost as predictable as the Panthers losing the NFC championship after Simmons made them his pick. There were/are similarities with Locke being the dalai-esque pacifist, and Jack developing his own nuclear arms program in the hatch. But if Jack is the Dick Cheney of Lost, don't you think he'd have let Sayid beat the balloon rider? I mean let's face it, don't we know why Dick Cheney shot Whittington? Whittington knows where Walt is. And if Locke is truly the dirty hippy Prizblog asserts he is, how could he be so easily pursuaded by Sayid to be an accomplice in this torture? (Possibly to get back at Jack for not involving him in the "army?" Partisan politics)
Whatever the answer is, it was good to see Sayid scaring the bejesus out of... well, me. I was tired of his sissy boy, longing for that Gold Card chaser. If you're going to long, make it enjoyable to watch. As the emperor said to Luke, "use your hate." Sayid hate fisted balloon boys face real nice like.

While that was heartwarming how dare they tease us with those promo's showing the hatch clock on all zero's. Now, all zero's means time is up (apparently it actually means you're into hyroglyphics time). If this was the NBA the refs would go to the replay and see that the scoreboard was red before Locke's fingers left the keyboard and disallow his entry. Know when this clock situation is going to be solved? Episode one, season three. Approximately, September 20th. Goddamned cliff hangers.

Quick aside: I find myself looking forward to Lost more than any other show during the week, but when it comes down to it, The Shield is by far a more enjoyable watch.

The Handsome Woman Leaving Outback

2006-02-11T13:19:00.000-08:00

It's Friday. I'm out of work. The weekend has begun. I'm on a caffeine high that would make Pat O'Brien envious. I pull up to a yeild sign infront of Outback and stop for a family of three. One dweeby looking dad, one dweeby looking son and one HOUSE of a handsome wife. The dweeby males see that I have stopped for them and jog across the street. The handsome wife continued to stroll. Leisurely. She didn't even look at me. No wave, no acknowledgment. Her eyes were set straight ahead, just so she could see me out of her periphery. She didn't even give me the courtesy of looking away. I blare my radio, extend my arm and give that handsome peice of ass one big thumbs up as she walked from the median to the side walk. I figured she'd be able to see my arm move, look at me and say something OR feel like today's winner of the Fuck Mother Award. But no. She didn't even look at me. Apparently I'm the Fuck Mother.
And I think the thing that really struck me was the dweeby dad and son. You know she runs that house. Like Stalin. Ever see the episode of The Family Guy where Lois takes karate lessons, beats up the New Yorkers and goes on a power trip? Peter walks down stairs with a limp and is obviously in some discomfort. Brian asks Peter what happened. Peter finally confides, "Last night... Lois was... she was the man last night!" and he proceeds to bawl. Yeah, that's what the handsome woman reminded me of.

The Fall of South American Idol

2006-02-02T14:34:00.000-08:00

We fought hard, damned hard. But alas, South American Idol was unable to defend our team trivia title at Murphy's Twin Shamrock Pub. We came in second. The night had it's highlights, like pulling these answers out of our arse:

What book, originalyl published in 1960, was written to settle a bet between the author and editor to settle a bet, that a book couldn't be written using less than 60 words? The author won the bet.
What was the name of the political party that H. Ross Perot created in 1992 while he was running for president?
"Biddy" was the original name of a character in what well known fairy tail?

And the low light(due to the fact that we wagered too many points on an educated/incorrect guess- nobody's fault, just was the definite lowlight):
In the 1850 Emmanuel Leutze painting, Washington Crossing the Delaware, what future president is pictured holding the american flag?
Here's a hint, pick someone that actually wound up president!
There's always next week.

Dear Santa...

2006-01-28T09:02:00.000-08:00

You know why it sucks to have you're birthday in November? Because, when it's January you have to wait eleven goddamned months to get your presents. Well, I know what I want, and it's going to be a long 10 months. I hope Santa is paying attention too, there's always a chance I may not get it for my birthday. Now, I'm more of a dog guy, but this is what I really want. How cool is this?

You Are Not a Unique Snowflake; Not Even You, Horse Lover

2006-01-24T11:37:00.000-08:00

Are you ever surprised by the things you find on the internet? I mean, think about that joke from The 40 Year Old Virgin. The one where Andy's co-worker just got back from Tiajuana and he was talking about his trip. He told Andy how he bought tickets to see a horse back door a woman. When I saw that, my first inclination was to neither laugh nor act in disgust. My gut reaction was, "This joke is ten years too late." My freshman year of college (1998) I got two forwards of animal/classy broad sex clips. The internet is a crazy, crazy place.
What brought me to this thought? Well, last week two of my favorite shows returned; The Shield and 24. After watching them on consecutive nights, I couldn't help but wonder, who is more badass, Jack Bauer or Vic Mackey? Today, I did a little (very little) investigating. I googled "who would win in a fight, Jack Bauer or Vic Mackey?" First site on the list is a blog by a guy in San Francisco who had the same thoughts, and he broke it down Dr. Jack/BSG style. Apparently Tlyer Durden is right, we are not unique snow flakes.

Things Women Don't Know About Men

2006-01-22T17:51:00.000-08:00

If we pace back and forth, or walk in circles before we enter a door; this isn't some instinctual thing, like a dog trying to sleep in tall grass. We probably just farted and are trying to lose the scent before we enter a room or car or where ever we're going.

The Problem With Desert Islands? There Aren't Any Closets.

2006-01-20T16:43:00.000-08:00

Much of the recent discussion on the Prizblog has been about Jack, and why he chose to bring his army question to Ana Lucia, rather than Sayid. Prizblogger and his respondents believe Jack, having for all intents and purposes been dumped by crazy Kate asked Ana Lucia because he's in desparate need of island love. Wrong! Want to know why? Jack's gay.
Saved By the Bell's Zach Morris (You may know him as Detective John Clarke Jr. on Television's NYPD: Blue) once introduced the theory of high school time. Essentially, high school time means ten minutes can seem like ten hours. I believe in high school time. I also believe in desert island time. Desert island time especially affects relationships like Jack and Kate's. Say you've been dating someone for a week. How much time have you spent witht his person on two dates and, say, three phone conversations? About 8 hours? On a goddamned desert island you're probably spending half your day with someone you like. So a week of that and you've spent 84 hours with this person. Desert island time is ten and a half times faster than earth days.
How long were they on this island before crazy Kate got with Sawyer? 45 (earth) days? Something like that? In desert island time that's like a year and a half. Jack had 45ish days to see just how freckly Freckles really is. Fourty-five days! Now, in earth days I'd be blown away if Jack wasn't intimately involved. But in desert island time I'm convinced he's gay.
Keep in mind, that this is following a traumatic event. Humans are like jack rabbits after this type of thing.
Jack's gay, and that is that.
Stop leading on the ladies Jack!
Let Locke get his.

South American Idol

2006-01-19T14:01:00.000-08:00

No, "South American Idol" is not Lance LaRocca's plan to find/get with the next Shakira; rather it is the reigning champion at Murphy's Twin Shamrock Pub's weekly team trivia. Let me tell you something, we mounted a valiant comeback. Down five points heading into the last question, we made up the five points while the team in the lead LOST points. Mind you, the team that lost point had 8 members, our team had 5.
Well, we had 5 members if you count Lance LaRocca as a full member. The only answers I knew were "Balitmore Ravens" and "Billy Blanks".
Not my best week.
But hey, isn't that what a team is for?
(Maybe Lance LaRocca should start a South American Idol. I mean, there can't possibly be another Ricky Martin, can there?)

Rubbish?

2006-01-14T21:05:00.000-08:00

C'mon, is there a better way to lose a game? It wasn't heartbreaking (remember, heartbreaking is game 7 of the 2003 ALCS). You have all the excuses you need (I've done my excuse math and we win 13-10 if the breaks go our way (lame pass interference call led to one touchdown which lead to the kickoff fumble which lead to the field goal (ten points right there). Then the AMAZING play by Watson to force the fumble doens't go our way (another seven points))). You can never be bitter with are the players that let you down(Other than Hobbs', but that's negated by my previous point). If you're a Patriots fan that can blame Brady, Brown or Vinatieri for their role in the loss you've had one to many scorpion bowls at the Hong Kong.
Sure, it SUCKS! But really, you know this team is going to be crazy next year. A dynasty is not over after a .500 playoff year.
Think about it. Think about the end of this year. Who really came into their own? Watson, Hobbs, Hawkins, Kaczur, Colvin. Give me a healthy running game, some young linebackers and cornerbacks and we're in it to win it next year. This isn't the old, "wait 'til next year" spiel from the Red Sox (circa 1919-2003), you know they'll be back. Do you doubt Belicheck? Do you doubt Brady? McGinnest? Seymour? Branch? Bruschi? Vrabel?
It sucks. I'm not looking forward to the rest of the playoff with the Patriots absent.
(Fuck Scot Zolack. Sorry, he just compared Tom Brady to Drew Bledsoe... sorry Drew)

Great Moments in Misunderstood Lyrics

2006-01-12T12:22:00.000-08:00

When I was little there was some show on TV that discussed the misunderstood lyrics from the 60's. Well, that problem continues today. I bought this album by a british hip hop artist named M.I.A. My coworker and I were listening to it in our office last night and a particular line caught my attention. So, I asked, "What did she just say?"
My coworker confirmed what I thought I had heard. This is what we both tought we heard:

"Excuse me little Hombre
take my number and call me
I can go sucky,
So you can cummin' on me."

Now, this was number two on Spin magazines top fourty albums of the year, so i wasn't expecting Lil' Kim lyrics. Turns out they go a little like this:

"Excuse me little Hombre
take my number and call me
I can get squeaky
So you can come and oil me."

I suppose that's better. Took it down a notch from an 'X' to an 'R' rating.

Gold Medal in Douche-Baggery

2006-01-10T17:06:00.000-08:00

World champion skier, Bode Miller(not pictured left), was recently on 60 Minutes bragging about his ability to ski wasted. What really struck me about his interview was how he compared drinking and skiing to drinking and driving. He seemed almost upset that drinking and driving was illegal. Is Skiing Under the Influence a subsitute to this guys true passion in life? Was he discarded in his efforts to get into NASCAR? Can someone help Bode Miller start a D-NASCAR ("D" is for "Drunken")?
And for those of you that like stories, here's a Bode Miller classic:
Way back when, I had a few buddies who went to college at Plymouth State, way up in Plymouth, New Hampshire. That's just a mere 15 minute drive (maybe 10 minutes, depending on how much Sir Bodenator drank that day) from where Bode grew up. On a casual evening, at a low key college bar, the olympic hero walked in. Surprising to everyone he was a complete dick. He had his hands over too many women and eventually the wrong girl and one of my friends knocked him in the face. Bode brough his complaint up with the bar staff, but instead of my friend getting kicked out, he was kicked out. When you get punched in the face and YOU'RE one getting kicked out of the bar, it's time to re-evaluate your situation. You may think to yourself, "hmmm... maybe I'm the dick?!?" Apparently not. That was about three years ago.
Anyhow, there's talk of the U.S. ski team not allowing him to race in the Olympics. Personally, I want him there with his own reality show. I think it'd be hilarious to see him flush his stash of IOC supplied condoms down the toilet and tell his buddies that he's all out and needs to stop at Cumby's to pick more up.

NOW or Later: Joe-PA Isn't Going To Be Able to See Who He's Talking to and Invite Her In

2006-01-09T13:39:00.000-08:00

Before the Orange Bowl last week, Florida State lineback, A.J. Nicholson was charged with the sexual assault of a 19 year old woman. Nicholson was suspended from the team and sent packing. When asked the incident this is what Joe Paterno, 80-something head coach of the Penn State Nitanny Lions football team:

"There's some tough - there's so many people gravitating to these kids. He may not have even known what he was getting into, Nicholson. They knock on the door; somebody may knock on the door; a cute girl knocks on the door. What do you do? Geez. I hope - thank God they don't knock on my door because I'd refer them to a couple of other rooms."

Completely innappropriate. When I heard it, I figured it was just a matter of hours until someone released a press release condemning what he said. Time went by and no one said a thing.
FINALLY, yesterday, six days later, the president of the National Organization for Women, Joanne Tosti-Vasey, said she was, "appalled," and wants an apology and Paterno's resignation.
Fine. That's probably what NOW should ask for even though they know they'll be lucky to simply get an apology.
But here's the thing. Why, in this age of instant media, did they wait SIX days to make any type of press release? NOW said they send an e-mail to Paterno and school president last week, expressing their concerns, as well as their requests.
An email? Really? They could have had a press release in the national media six minutes after the comment, let alone six days. Don't they understand the opportunity they missed? This could have been a major story in one of the major bowls. AND they are right! It's not as if they would just be looking to get into the headlines. They would actually be doing what is in the best interest of women. But instead, they sent an email.
Tosti-Vasey sent the press release from Pennsylvania, any chance she's a Nitanny Lions fan and didn't want to hurt their chances?

Does it Have to Quack Like a Duck to be a Duck?

2006-01-09T13:02:00.000-08:00

I have was having an incredibly intellectual conversation with a friend. I'm interested in seeing what other people think.
Hypothetically, say you are dating someone. Yet for some reason you feel the need to send nude pictures of yourself to, say, an ex-partner. Is that cheating?
I say yes. The more I think of it, the more obvious it seems in my head. My friend, however, believes that cheating has to fit into the concrete parameters of physcal contact.
What's worse? Nipple/Boner/Panty pictures or kissing/groping/tappin'?

Ignorance: Apparently Not So Blissful Afterall

2005-12-23T14:16:00.000-08:00

Apparently this was an editorial in a Tampa paper. It was forwarded me. The editorial is in red, with the extended LaRocca version added in black.

IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT. (Beautifully articulated. Let's never adapt. It's worked out well for Sharks. Sharks haven't evolved since the Jurassic Period. We can be like the shark. Is it just me, or does Canada look like a 13 year old girl on a surfboard?) I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majorityof Americans. However...... the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct! " crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to America. Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. (Who were also treated like shit when they got to America) However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. (So wait, I was born here. I'm an American. But I don't know what it means to be an American? I need to have someone tell me? Is this how my family felt when the Germany was telling the Pol's they didn't know how to run their country back in the 40's?) This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Americans......we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom. (OK. So, we're diluting our "national identity?" I suppose that begs the question, "what is our national identity?" I always assumed America was the land of the free. It's true, America is a wonderful place and I'm proud that people like my grandfather fought to keep it that way. But isn't part of that freedom the ability to pursue your the life of your choice, including religion? (It is, in case you weren't sure) When you have groups of people who each practice religions of their choice, doesn't that promote multiculturalism? Doesn't multiculturalism promote the national identity of America? Or maybe we can all just be christian. I'm sure that'll solve all the problems)

We speakENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language! (Yeah, when I had to slowly explain my order to the 70 year old latino woman behind the counter at Dunkin Donuts and she still put cream in my coffee instead of milk I almost lost it. I mean this lady is working at Dunkin Donuts. I'm sure she's living the the type of lifestyle where she'd be able to take some english classes. Plus, how hard can it be to pick up english in your 70's?)

"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, rightwing, political slogan.. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women.......on Christian principles.............founded this nation..... and this is clearly documented. (uhh... alright. How does that not make "In God We Trust" a "Christian slogan?" The original U.S. motto was "E Pluribus Unum", which means "one from many," referring to creating one federal government from multiple state governments. It stands up through the history of this country as well. Since the boom of the industrial revolution, and the influx of immigrants there have always been many cultures in the United States. Despite that we managed to build the greatest country in the world.)It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home.........because God is part of our culture. (I'm being told how to be American again. God is part of my culture? I'll tell you what aside from the occasional grace at holiday dinners, my culture has little to do with god.)
If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet.We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from.(Who is "we"?)This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. (This is similar to what the native americans said when they sold Manhatten for a twinkie) Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so! But once you are done complaining....... whining...... and griping.......about our flag.......our pledge...... our national motto........or ourway of life....I highly encourage you to take advantage of one other Great American Freedom....... (The author seems a little defensive of our flag. Did I miss something? Are Cuban refugee's getting to shore, hand someone a drawing and say, "You know, I'll be happy here, but I think the flag should look a little more like this,"? Personally, I think it's a bit of Rabble Rousing; saying things that the person doesn't particularly believe, but forces the reader to get that "I just read it in the paper, so it must be true" type of feeling and become more irate. Either that, or it's a referance to flag burning. If that's the case, it's a poor job presenting that idea.)

THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.
(Ohhhhh know you didn't!)

-I don't know why, but this editorial begs me to add this website:
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=17675020579094199926

-The forward of the editorial was prefaced with this:
Will we still be the Country of choice and still be America if we continue to make the changes forced on us by the people from other countries that came to live in America because it is the Country of Choice??????
Think about it!
All we have to say is, when will they do something about MY RIGHTS?I celebrate Christmas...........but because it isn't celebrated by everyone..............we can no longer say Merry Christmas. Now it has tobe Season's Greetings.
We can't say "Merry Christmas?" Why wasn't I informed of this? I just said it five minutes ago? Am i going to be reported to the newspeak police?
Look, I spent two hours today listening to a talk show host vent about the fact that people keep saying to him, "Happy Holidays." He said, "Look! Look! What 'HOLIDAY' is this weekend? What 'HOLIDAY' is sunday?"
He was referring to christmas.
Hannuka begins sunday too.
People say "Happy Holidays" because they don't know what you celebrate. There's a stage of development where small children, under the age of 5, believe that everyone feels and knows what they know. Doesn't this seem similar. You're going to get upset because I don't know you celebrate, and I don't want to offend someone else? You can't respect that?
Not only that, but isn't the sentiment behind "happy holidays" the same as "merry christmas?" "Happy," is synomous with "merry," correct? And you're holiday of choice is christmas. Therefore, "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays" mean the same thing.
Basically, people are angry that they're beling told to enjoy their christmas, because someone doesn't want to offend someone that celebrates a different holiday.

Why Doesn't Lance LaRocca Have a Girlfriend?

2005-12-12T15:12:00.000-08:00

Have you heard? The Jay Cutler for Heisman campaign has just begun.
You might have a couple of questions, like, "Wait, didn't Reggie Bush just win the Heisman?" and, "Who the fuck is Jay Cutler?"
Yes, Reggie Bush just destroyed the competition in the 2005 heisman race... in the "real world."
Somewhere in my playstation it is still August, 2005, and Jay Cutler, the heady senior quaterback of Vanderbilt University, with tremendous upside potential, is preparing to dominate the SEC.
How, can Cutler, who in 2004 quaterbacked a Vandy team that finished 2-9, possibly win the Heisman Trophy? It's simple, really, gone is coach Bobby Johnson, and in steps coach LaRocca, who's spread offense puts the season in the hands of Cutler. Heisman Trophy, say hello to you Jay Cutler.
Expect updates.
And that, ladies and gentleman, is why Lance LaRocca has no girlfriend.

Optimus Prime Traded for Two Bud Lights and a Prospect To be Named Later

2005-12-10T14:27:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder what happens when you type "beer" into Craigslist?
No?
Well what the hell is the matter with you? Those of us that aren't calling for the prohibition may or may not have come across this:
http://boston.craigslist.org/com/116948883.html
Seems like a very worthwhile cause, and a damned good trade. Almost as good a trade as Tejada for Ramirez.
I've intrigued myself... Tejada is free beer and bowling. Manny is the $30 you'd spend on a toy for a kid. Both have great value to someone like me, but while $30 seems more productive in the here and now, the free beer and bowling will easily surpass that $30 in goods and services costs. This equates to Tejada being one of the best fielding players at the most important defensive position on the field, whereas Manny is average at best in the leftfield.
Plus you have to account intanglibles. If Tejada comes here, you'll think back to the yearly implosion caused because of Manny's quirky personality and lack of effort and remember that you have Tejada on your team who gives 100% 162 games a year. Similar to the warm, fuzzy feeling you'll get when you fork over $30 so some poor kid can get a decent holiday gift; you're guarenteed to feel like a regular philanthropist.
So, what do you say Rockefeller?
Willing to trade $30 for a good cause, free bowling and beers?
And this has to be a great place to meet women (and men... if that's your bag), right?

Making Stereotypes

2005-12-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

We know all the stereotypes. Stereotypes perpetuate themselves every day. For example: asians are bad drivers. Now, when I'm driving and I get cut off by an asian guy, that very stereotype may pop in my head. But what about all the times an asian driver doesn't cut me off. I never notice that, so therefore the stereotype never changes. And when I get cut off by some redneck in his "Hemi" I never think to myself, "Why can't us damned caucasians learn to drive?"
The point of all this is to say that I don't agree with stereotypes. They're not at all helpful in my day to day life.
But for the sake of discussion, lets buy into one:
Black men have large penis'
Okay, so black men have larger genitals than everyone else. And I have recently been informed that Vagina's come in different sizes. Not just the standard proportionate size, but a woman that is 5'10'' may have a smaller vagina than a woman that is 5'6''.
So, here are my questions:
If the black male's genital's are larger than the average non-black male's, does that mean black women have larger vaginas than the average non-black woman?
And if that's true, does that mean black women don't like sleeping with non-black men (because let's face it, size does matter) unless they're up to par?
Discuss.

Airing of Grievances

2005-12-08T18:20:00.000-08:00

Personally, I love the holidays. The lights, the music, the friends, the family, the airing of grievances. They all really help shorten the winter. I mean, at least there are parts of this bitter stretch of months that is enjoyable.
But like everyone else I have my complaints about the season. And since I bitch better than praise here it goes. Part I; of what is surely more to come:
File under "Commercialism":
Kay Jewelers "every kiss begins with Kay"
You see what they did there? They're right. Everytime you write the word "kiss" it always starts with "K." Unless you write "iss" and finish by writing "K," but that doesn't really matter because when people read it they'll read the "K" first. Then, they have the whole, light hearted, double entendre going on there. Every kiss begins with Kay = If I want my wife/girlfriend/cousin to put out I have to buy her a piece of jewelry. Nice work guys!
Belden Jewelers "go straight to the heart"
I have no problem with Belden's slogan. But has anyone heard the commercial where the narrator says, "Sometimes you feel so much for someone you can't quite get the words right, but with a holiday gift from Belden's Jewelers no words are necessary." Hear that guys? How pumped are you? Apparently women don't care that their men are emotionally incapable of sharing their thoughts or emotions. I know I know, you're sitting there thinking, "Wait! I 'feel' a lot for my wife/girlfriend/cousin. And i don't exactly have the words to tell her about that Vegas coke binge with the three hookers. If I buy her some Belden's will she know how much i love her?"
Exactly.
And if that doesn't work, she'll know how much you love her when you're sharing a Valtrex prescription.

Polish Boy Punished For Having...

2005-12-02T18:02:00.000-08:00

I hate sexism. Hate it! It's makes me sick. Makes me want to vomit. I hate it so much I even hate the word. "Sexism." It's my second least favorite word to end in "ism." Right behind "Jism." I even hate the definition that dictionary.com spewed up. Here it is:
Sexism: Discrimination based on gender, especially discrimination against women.
What in the hell is that? Is discrimination based on gender even more discriminatory because it's against a women? Doesn't that in itself sound sexist?
I mean, hypothetically speaking, let's say I interview for a job. The interview goes really well. I mean really well, we're even talking salary, schedule and how much notice I'd have to give my current job. Then a week and a half later I get a call from the woman I interviewed with. She regrets to inform me that I did not get the job. She even gets a little honest too honest on the phone, saying, "You know, we really like you and somewhere down the road we'd like to have you work for us, but right now we feel a female best fits the position. I mean, technically, I'm not even supposed to say anything, but you know how it is." Then she proceeds to encourage me to apply for a crappier job.
So this is less sexist because I'm a guy? I'm confused. Because this just happened to me. And the worst part was the next day when the HR woman called to double my fun. But she said, "Sorry LaRocca, but we found someone that fit the position just a little bit better."
Fit the position better? What position are we talking about? Missionary? Because I have no idea why my penis makes me a bad fit for the position? I mean I know they're less aerodynamic when we're running the naked marathon, but throw me a fricken bone here.